Closure..

On profound feelings and moving on..

For the longest time, I’ve been looking for that something to shut one part of my system down. That very part kept the rest of me in conflict the whole time and I have to admit that it’s been a struggle to clash with my own self, knowing that I’ll still be the loser, nonetheless. I needed something to make me snap back to reality: the reality that I was in before I took the plunge into something I considered as inevitable.

I’m very much aware that what I felt was never inevitable. I had options but I chose the difficult path. I made my way further and when what I expected never materialized, I struggled to get out of the situation. It felt as if I’m saving myself from hurt, but the truth is, I just cannot face the reality that I’m losing to my expectations, thus, inflicting myself with pain even more. I started to blame everything that I can blame for what happened. I even angered the only other person involved in this story to the point that she can no longer respect the things that we shared, or worse, even me, if she wanted to. With all of these, I didn’t blame myself. I was hurt and disappointed. I gave much importance on what I felt because I thought I was the victim. Yes, I was a victim, but by circumstances that I, myself, triggered. I did several things to shrug off the remnants of what we’ve had before. I thought it made me another person, yet to find out that I’ve been fooling myself and was secretly hoping for the other person to have the same affection I had for her all along. I waited, but it never went that way.

Soon, I realized that the remaining hopes were just products of good memories which I remember every now and then. A deeper understanding of the situation and the depth of our friendship might have made me decide differently and might have twisted the story a little lot better. I was in love but she wasn’t and never will be. I also never attempted to step out of my comfort zone and tell her how I feel - this thing, choice or circumstance made, is a major turning point in this agony. The label and the feeling itself are both important as not to confuse the persons involved of what to expect and where to place themselves. I might have been too expectant at that time and too jumpy for something to develop easily. Having learned such, I embraced all of these facts and freed myself from self-inflicted pain.

This story was never conveyed to anyone in such a detail as how it is written now, basically because I don’t have the realization yet. The years that have gone by taught me well and it gave me both the closure and the assurance that I was able to perfectly move on.

There were times when I wondered if she even cared to read a few entries here especially that a lot of which were made because of her. I even started this thing because of the first storm that we weathered. That first entry, I think, is significant because she’s a major character in that entry and in my life then. But now, entries about her and how I feel for her won’t be necessary. When you write things down it means that you have to forget it anyway. :)